I've been learning a bit of JavaScript - and this is one of the things I've come up with, so far.

Reddit Filter is fairly simple; it allows you to filter out submissions from certain URLs using a regular expression. Want to give it a shot? Follow these brief instructions:

• Install GreaseMonkey - this is a neat little Firefox addon, which allows you to customise the way a webpage is displayed, using JavaScript. There even appears to be a version that works in IE.

• Restart Firefox, then click on this link. You'll get a GreaseMonkey popup, and from there you can install the script.

• You'll need to put your own regular expression into the config section of the script, to match URLs on reddit - to do this, you need to right click on the GreaseMonkey icon on the right hand side of your Firefox status bar, select 'Manage Use Scripts', select 'Reddit Filter' and hit 'Edit'.

• The regular expression should match URLs in the form 'subdomain.domain.com' - essentially the script uses this string for each Reddit submission and matches it against your regex.

• If you're not already familiar with regular expressions, take a look at this guide. The two most important things you need to know is that | is the 'or' operator, and you'll have to escape any special characters you want to include as literals. Special characters include + * . { } [ ] \ / ?

• Here are some examples of regexes you can use to filter certain submissions:

self\.reddit\.com - Self referencing posts

xkcd\.com|barackobama\.com - The lovely websites of xkcd and Barack Obama

.*\.co.uk - All .co.uk addresses

—

Anyway - if anyone wants to use this source code, or improve it, please feel free! As I mentioned, I am new to JavaScript - it works perfectly for me, but if anyone has issues with it I'll be happy to hear.

Enjoy.

It took me a fair while to find, but here it is. James Earl Jones (best known as the voice of Darth Vader) reading The Raven, a classic poem by Edgar Allen Poe. Awesome.

http://bluesuncorp.co.cc/gallery/images/albums/audio/raven/James_Earl_Jone_-_The_Raven.mp3

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.'

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow - sorrow for the lost Lenore -
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Nameless here for evermore.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me - filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
`'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door -
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door; -
This it is, and nothing more,'

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
`Sir,' said I, `or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you' - here I opened wide the door; -
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, `Lenore!'
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, `Lenore!'
Merely this and nothing more.

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
`Surely,' said I, `surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -
'Tis the wind and nothing more!'

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door -
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door -
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
`Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,' I said, `art sure no craven.
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the nightly shore -
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning - little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door -
Bird or beast above the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as `Nevermore.'

But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only,
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered - not a feather then he fluttered -
Till I scarcely more than muttered `Other friends have flown before -
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before.'
Then the bird said, `Nevermore.'

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
`Doubtless,' said I, `what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore -
Till the dirges of his hope that melancholy burden bore
Of "Never-nevermore."'

But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore -
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking `Nevermore.'

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o'er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o'er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore!

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
`Wretch,' I cried, `thy God hath lent thee - by these angels he has sent thee
Respite - respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Lenore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

`Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil! -
Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted -
On this home by horror haunted - tell me truly, I implore -
Is there - is there balm in Gilead? - tell me - tell me, I implore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

`Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us - by that God we both adore -
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden, whom the angels named Lenore?'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

`Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!' I shrieked upstarting -
`Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! - quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted - nevermore!

Poe's Law comes to mind. Don't forget to link this one to your favourite creationists.

These are some of the funniest dramatic readings I've stumbled on across the interweb. Some of these made me laugh so hard, I almost choked. Enjoy.

Breakup Letter

I hate you more than anything in this damn world-d-d-d-d-d-d!

Dear Loser,[Chris]~~~~!!!!!!
I thought youy like me you said it yourself I hate you. People only say you asked me out because you needed a date for the dance and that after the dance you would dump me well guess what bastert i dumped you cause you were thinking that i cheated on you i didnt so like idiot that you guys are and so smart that you are you called me a slut.I hung up on you cause you tol me it on the phone because i guess you werent man enough to tell me it in my face!I hate you and also guess what my mother hates you to that she the one who put me to do this ,you come to breakfast every morning and I aint stupid you try to sit next to me and my lol bro who only 7YRS old hates you to and dont even know what you did and is always blocking your chair.haha! I went out with another boy adter you adn after we were over you an idiot dared you even tried to ask me out again i didnt break up with him for you OK! I hate you ive always hated you spreading to everyone that i cheated on you when you got jealouse that i used to talk to your friends to you so jealouse you automatically think i like them well guess maybe i do maybe i dont gotta problem you aint my boyfriend anymore I dont have to tell you who I like or who Iam thinking of going out with its none of your business got that to you loser! I hate you and I know you still like me but i dont like you and i dont care what your stupid friends say you make me touch your hands for stupid reasons u accidentally say you hugged me i will never like you again I HATE YOU I HATE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHIGN IN THIS DAMN WORLDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!! id rather date a spider or rat den u ur soooo ugly and fat !!!!!!!! And then saying that i looooooooved you pleasssse!!!!!!!!!!!! Your such n ass wipe n bastert!! I HATE YOOOOOOOOOOOU

Well bi you piece of shit i have more things to do right now then remember YOU

Half Life: Full Life Consequences

Faster like the speed of sound

John Freeman who was Gordon Freemans brother was one day in an office typing on a computer. He got an email from his brother that said that aliens and monsters were attacking his place and aksed him for help so he went.
John Freeman got his computer shut down and wet on the platform to go up to the roof of the building where he left his motorcycle and normal people close because he was in his office lab coat. John Freeman got on his motorcycl and said "its time for me to live up to my family name and face full life consequences" so he had to go.
John Freeman ramped off the building and did a backflip and landed. He kept driving down the road and made sure there was no zombies around because he ddint have weapon.
The contrysides were nice and the plants were singing and the birds and the sun was almost down from the top of the sky. the mood was set for John Freemans quest to help his brother where he was. John Freeman looked around the countrysides and said "its a good day to do what has to be done by me and help my brother to defeat the enemys".
John Freeman was late so he had to drive really fast. A cop car was hiden near by so when John Freeman went by the cops came and wanted to give him a ticket. Here John Freeman saw the first monster because the cop was posessed and had headcrabs.
"I cant give you my lisense officer" John Freeman said
"Why not?" said the headcrab oficer back to John Freeman.
"Because you are headcrab zombie" so John Freeman shot the oficer in the head and drove off thinking "my brother is in trouble there" and went faster.
John Freeman had to go faster like the speed of sound and got there fast because Gordon needed him where he was. John Freeman looked at road signs and saw "Ravenholm" with someons writing under it saying "u shudnt come here" so John Freeman almost turned around but heard screaming like Gordon so he went faster again.
John Freeman drove in and did another flip n jumped off his motorbike and the motor bike took out some headcrab zombies infront of John Freeman. John Freeman smiled and walked fast. John Freeman then looked on the ground and found wepon so he pickd it up and fired fast at zombie goasts in front of a house.
John Freeman said "Zombie goasts leave this place" and the zombie goasts said "but this is our house" and John Freeman felt sorry for them becaus they couldnt live there anymore because they were zombie goasts so he blew up the house and killed the zombie goasts so they were at piece.
Then John Freeman herd another scream from his brother so he kept walking really faster to get where he was. Ravenholdm was nothing like the countrysides there was no birds singing and the pants were dead and teh dirt was messy and bloody from headcrabs.
When John Freeman got to where the screaming was started from he found his brother Gorden Freeman fightin the final bosss and Gordon said "John Freeman! Over here!" so John Freeman went there to where Gordon Freeman was fighting. John Freeman fired his bullet from teh gun really fast and the bullets went and shot the final boss in the eyes and the final boss couldnt see.
Gordon Freeman said "its time to end this ones and for all!" and punched the final boss in the face and the final boss fell. John Freeman said "thanks i could help, bro" and Gordon Freeman said "you should come here earlier next time" and they laughed.
The laughed overed quickly though because John Freeman yelled "LOOK OUT BRO!" and pointed up to the top of the sky. Gordon Freeman looked up and said "NOO! John Freeman run out of here fast as you can!" and John Freeman walked real fast out.
John Freeman loked back and saw Gordon get steppd on by the next boss and he was mad and angry.
"I'll get you back evil boss!" John Freeman yelled at the top of lungs.
to be continued..?

Miss Teen USA

uh, the Iraq and everywhere like such as

content.ytmnd.com/content/…a98f0421b93e.mp3

I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as in, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq and everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children.

The Bauman E-mails

You have now officially crossed the line

content.ytmnd.com/content/…099edaf46747.mp3

To Whom It May Concern:

Please be advised that several of your forum soldiers have decided to personally visit our corporate offices. The pictures they took while trespassing on our property were proudly posted on your site. In addition some of the postings on your forum literally threatened murdering Eric Bauman. You have now officially crossed the line. You can consider this formal notification that we have initiated a criminal complaint with several agencies including the FBI Cyber Terrorism Unit. I realize that most of your entire website is comprised of pathetic, pimply-faced maladjusted pre-teens whose parents don't love them, and their best Saturday night date takes AA batteries. Be that as it may, you have now become a criminal threat. There a lot of people now monitoring your site. I strongly suggest that there are no more unauthorized "visits" to our office. There will be severe penalties for failure to heed this warning. The forum banter on your site means nothing to us or anyone in the world for that matter, but your threats of bodily harm and property damage cannot be ignored. I was afraid that the FBI and police departments would not be responsive. I was pleasantly surprised to find the contrary.

Interestingly, no individual or corporate entity has approached us with any question or problem regarding the content in question. This is true lunacy! There is this big dispute over a piece of content that we received a signed release for. Do you have any idea how foolish and immature you look through this? Of course I am referring to the real three dimensional world where real people live and work. You and your forum obviously live in very dark places where they don't teach spelling, grammar, logic, reasoning…etc. Well, that being said, we don't care how you advertise your stupidity, but eBaum's World Inc lives in the real world, and we are very tolerant and sensitive to the underprivileged and the mentally challenged. We will however use any and all legal remedies to ensure our safety. The police and FBI are taking this very seriously. I will leave you with this challenge, if any member of your forum or anyone any where wants to challenge our policy, simply come out from under your rock and call me on the phone, or schedule an appointment. I would be happy to discuss any problem with any credible individual. Of course I am assuming that these "kids" are capable of meaningful dialogue. We have received hundreds of calls, but alas, zero meaningful dialogue, only weak pranks. Judging from the posts I have read from your site I am confident that no one possesses the aforementioned skills necessary to pull that off. The first guy you sent in here probably soiled his pants when he couldn't answer the simplest question and literally ran out the door…LOL. I don't think he is a candidate for Mission Impossible. The police have already contacted him and our lawyers will have fun with Ben and his parents. The invitation stands. BTW, the FBI told me that the operators and facilitators of your site are more liable than they think; they also assured me that nobody from your site would come out from under their rock to talk. They likened your forum to terrorists who always stay under ground. Is that the way you envisioned your forum at its inception? How pathetic. I look forward to your reply.

Neil J. Bauman

—

Dear Max,

My assistant informed me that you called our corporate office to verify the correspondence titled Cease and Desist was in fact sent by me.it was. I would like to have any kind of meaningful communication with you or anyone representing your site. As stated in my earlier note, we have never been formally contacted by anyone regarding the questioned content. I am easily accessible during normal business hours. Feel free to contact me if you are capable of exhibiting a nominal use of some professionalism. I have had a great deal of contact from several of your loyal followers. That contact was far from meaningful or professional. In a short time you will be held accountable for the deeds and threats that were aimed at our site and our people. Obviously you have lost possession of your Yiddish cup. We are not about to be physically threatened by you or anyone else. If you thought this was a joke, you are very misguided. I am not one to be trifled with. How dare you and your brethren make death threats against our personnel? There is no veiled threat here, just your wake up call. You had the ability to stop this early in the game and choose not to. That strategy will prove to be a serious mistake in judgment on your part. Soon you will be contacted by Federal Investigators. Have a great day.

I know plenty of sane and reasonable Christians. Heck, I'd like to hope that the majority of them are. But GodTube.com shows a more tarnished picture: created just last year, as a rival to YouTube, to anyone with half an ounce of common sense it's clear that most of its occupants are trying to make themself look … stupid, to put it plainly. There isn't any other reasonable explanation.

I hate to pick on such an easy target, but here are some of the things you're likely to see on GodTube.

Little girl recites Bible verses

At the time of writing, there are no less than three similarly named videos on the front page of the site: all depict girls under the age of ten showing their devotion to Christianity. Innocent enough, maybe, but why is this such a popular choice of video? I can only conjecture:

• Children are easy targets; if you can't convert someone your own age, convert someone that doesn't know much better. Then post it on the internet, as if it were an achievement.
• 'Cute'. If your definition of the word is to see suggestable individuals being robbed of a chance to make their own decision.
• A subtle message that people of faith, like children, are too naïve to know better?

Christian/Christ-follower

This one is apparently a parody of the Mac vs. PC adverts - and while I'll spare mentioning that it's been done, it seems to miss the entire premise of the idea. They both spout some pseudo-techy junk, the first guy dominating the conversation, the second guy bizarrely agreeeing with everything he has to say, pretty much. They seem to have missed the fact that the second guy is supposed to be ridiculed, unless I'm missing something.

They make one joke. "I'm sorry, I don't speak christianese". Slow clap.

Aside from not really understanding the original advert, why exactly do they make any distinction between a Christian and a Christ Follower? Hell, what is this video even about?

A letter from Hell

This one is actually quite disturbing. I don't mean the fact that I'm going to hell. Or the unexplained method Josh used to get his letter smuggled from the underworld. It's a scary thought that children are going to be shown that video, and actually be taken in by it; the scare tactics they use are, to be frank, disgusting. One commenter describes showing the video to his 13, 9 and 4 year old children. That's not just a warning message - that's child abuse.

Comments

No wonder Jesus wants us to be like little children…they have such a sincere and innocent faith. What a blessing to know that no matter what, she belongs to Jesus. Could a parent ask for anything more?

Sincere? Children believe what they are told to believe, it's arguably a necessary stage in life, but it's not one we should strive for after a very young age. I hope my children question everything I tell them- I couldn't hope for any more than that.

People say that God is a forgiving God, Yes He is but He is also a consuming fire. People need to be scared, they need Jesus.

Need to be scared? Come again?

yo, wat is wrong with you man. hell is the worst place in the universe! God is the infinite superior being over us. wat we know heaven to be is going to be great in God's eyes which means it will be even greater than we can imagine in our eyes.

Ah heck, I'm convinced.

Who Ya Worshippin'?

I'm sorry to lower the tone. But god damn, hah hah. That made me laugh. Religious nuts.

Any more weirdness and wonder from GodTube? Post it in the comments.

Yet another peice of depressing news about the Neuromancer film in development. And I was just getting over the fact that Kahn is the director. (I've come to the opinion that people should be giving Kahn a break. He has enough talent to make this film work.)

From 7artspictures.com

"Based on William Gibson’s seminal cyberpunk novel, Hayden Christensen stars as Cage, a petty future Tokyo thief whose trade is jacking his brain directly into computer systems. When this skill is taken away from him, it seems his life is destined to end in an explosion of violence and drugs… until the mysterious Armitage offers redemption – at a price. Revelation follows revelation as Cage discovers that no one is in control of his or her own destiny and a new form of sentient technology is taking over. It’s down to Cage to face Neuromancer and do something he never has before: make the right choice."

This is depressing. Before I even begin with Christensen –

"Cage"? If that isn't a typo, Gibson will be turning in his figurative grave.

"Cage discovers that no one is in control of his or her own destiny". That sound you hear is me flicking through my copy of Neuromancer, I'm bound to find this somewhere.

"It’s down to Cage to face Neuromancer". Yep, I can hear it now. In an epic battle coming to cinemas this summer …

"Make the right choice". Oh, great, a shoe-horned in moral dilemma.

Did they read Neuromancer? Whoever wrote the above paragraph is being paid too much.

—

Hayden Christensen.

I admit, I haven't seen the guy in anything other than Star Wars, and his part did suck - but at the end of the day, he … just doesn't look the part.

Is that to be the face of Case Cage, a washed out computer hacker, since turned to drugs and crime? I would much prefer a no-name actor, rather than what seems to be a teen-idol who will draw hoards of fans that don't even know what SF stands for.

Who we're going to get playing Molly is a mystery I don't want solved. Or is that name not cool enough for this kind of flick? Maybe they should call her Razor?

Hell. Maybe this could work. But I doubt it.

Google has surprised me again. I've always known you can search for 'Speed of Light' and before the results google will give you the answer. But it turns out you can enter pretty much any equation and be given the result straight off:

It gets better: if you use Firefox 2 or have the Google toolbar, it's likely that the version of the google search bar you have will give you a set of suggested results when you begin typing. Try typing in an equation, and it spits out the result:

They've even written in conversions. Try the following:

• Speed of sound in au per millenium
• Speed of light in zeptometres per nanosecond
• Miles in megametres
• Stones in petagrams

I love Google. I have a Physics exam in two weeks time, oh how I wish my calculator could automate things like this.

10 - Waking Dreams

11 - The Truth is in Here

12 - Unnatural Selection

13 - River of Time

14 - E=MC2

15 - The Sixth Extinction

Artists

NINE INCH NAILS - Leeds festival, 2007

I went expecting them to be good, and they still blew me away. Alongside an incredible light show (Muse paled in comparison) they played all of their best tracks, including loads from their new album, Year Zero. It was a warm Summer evening, and it was beautiful.

Among the tracks they played were Hurt, March of the Pigs, Only, The Hand That Feeds - despite my devotion to the band, I had yet to hear their new album at the time, so I have little idea which of the tracks they played from it - suffice to say, for the most part they blew me away.

21ST CENTURY SCHIZOID BAND - Customs House, South Shields, 2003

I'm a massive King Crimson fan, and I have been for almost ten years now. So when I got the chance to see Schizoid Band (which, by the way, isn't a cover band, with the exception of Fripp they were mostly the real thing) I was overjoyed.

Aside from a few wrong words - and it has been a long time to remember - it was perfect. An incredibly small venue, all of my favourite Crimson tracks, and even some new ones. If you ever get a chance to see them - which is unlikely - don't miss it for the world.

INTERPOL - Radio 1 Weekend, Sunderland, 2004

Interpol are an acquired taste. Indie Rock has always been hit and miss, for me; and although I'll admit their latest album is incredibly easy to listen to, the earlier two took some getting used to. And I love 'em even more for it.

I saw Interpol later, at Leeds, and while it was still amazing, the set at Radio 1's 2004 weekend was perfect. Having just released Antics, they didn't have such a huge following, and I could see the whites of their eyes as I tried to decide whether I liked their music or not. I walked away a devoted fan.

STEELY DAN - Liverpool, July 2007

I had never hoped - or dreamed - of ever seeing Becker and Fagen play as Steely Dan. I payed more than I should have for the tickets, even went all the way down to Liverpool from Newcastle to see them. But damn, was it worth it. They played most of Aja, along with nearly all of the classics, including Bodhisattva, My Old School, Pretzel Logic…

My Dad always likes to tell me about how he liked Steely Dan when he was young - I can tell my children I actually saw them.

FIELDS - Carling Academy, Newcastle, 2005

I hadn't even heard of The Fields before this. I was actually there to see an Editors concert (not to give the wrong impression, this was incredible too). I haven't heard much of them since - but if this performance was anything to go by, I'd wager they're doing well.

The Ones I Missed

The most significant of the bands I missed seeing live was the Queens of the Stone Age. I literally missed the tickets selling out by about a day. I have no doubt that they would have been top of this list otherwise. The second is Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, whom discovered were playing when I was due to set off on holiday. And lastly: Interpol (yes, Interpol again) - simply because none of my friends or relatives wanted to go. Including the co-author of this site, Rich, who seemed to think an interview for Med-School was more important. Can't have 'em all, I guess.

There are a number of people to blame for this:

• The spambot coders. Really, there has to be a better way to make a living. What if you had a 'quality content' bot instead?

• The idiots that click on the links. You're not going to see Britney Speeaarz Expozed, so why bother!?

• Those damned celebrities.

I always figure targetting a problem at its source is the best way of solving it, so listen up. If you're a celebrity, and you're reading this, please start wearing a woolly jumper, and some kind of reflective anti camera-flash coating. Stay indoors - in fact, stay indoors in general, you have no purpose to begin with without junking up forums on the side. Change your name. Stop being vaguely attractive. And God damn it, stop exposing yourselves in public.

"We use a special alphabet of our own" describes the lama. So how many characters are they using? Their limit on the length of the names is nine characters - so if we assume they plan to use words of any length up to nine characters, the number of possible names can be expressed as

Where A is the number of characters in their alphabet.

So, assuming 1 billion is 10^12:

• When A=26, the number of possible names is 5.65 billion
• When A=27, the number of possible names is 7.92 billion
• When A=28, the number of possible names is 10.97 billion

Obviously none of these results can be rounded to the nearest billion, to give nine billion. Even if we assume Clarke means only names that are nine characters long (the number of which could be expressed as A^9), we are still left with no results which round to nine billion.

Obviously given that we lack the exact alphabet used, it is impossible to reproduce the exact process described - but what if we were to try the same in Python, using our own alphabet?

alphabet = tuple('abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz')

def names(length, prefix=''):
_for char in alphabet:
__print prefix + char
__if length - 1:
___names(length - 1, prefix + char)

To test this process, I used an alphabet consisting of 'a' and 'b', with a maximum word length of two characters. And it appeared to work:

a
aa
aaa
aab
ab
aba
abb
b
ba
baa
bab
bb
bba
bbb

I ran a full 26 word alphabet with a maximum word length of nine characters for ten minutes. It reached 'aaaaajjnk'.

At the end of Clarke's story, the machine finishes its task, and the stars are described as going out, one by one.

Anyone care to try?

My last article detailed how to write a very simple mod for Counter Strike Source servers; here, I plan to go into more detail. I will assume basic knowledge of Python, and an understanding of how to create a simple addon on your source server - essentially I plan to discuss Eventscripts' API and features.

Userids

Each player that joins a server is allocated a unique user id. This userid is used as a key to identify users, and a given e player's name, steamid, health — almost any information on that player — will be available using their userid. For example, to find a player's name, one might simply use the 'getplayername' method of the es module:

es.getplayername(userid)

Es

Importing this module is crucial to displaying any kind of output on your server, and registering the events in your addon. Es contains methods which can be used to:

• Display text or a menu on a player's screen
• Send shell commands to the server console
• Create visual effects
• Affect the player (e.g. change their position/view)

And a whole load more. Detailed documentation for each of the methods of es can be found here.

import es

Events

Events are almost crucial to achieving anything with Valve's source engine. In the majority of cases, events are where you will get your inputs, whether it is:

• User inputs (e.g. Console commands, chat messages, menu key-presses)
• Actions the player performs (e.g. jumping, shooting, taking damage etc)
• Important checkpoints in the game's progress (e.g. Map start, round start, bomb planted)

Events are registered simply by creating a function in your script with the specific name of the event you wish to hook. All of the available events are documented here)

These functions take one argument; traditionally named 'event_var', this is a variable which will store a dictionary containing details about the event when it is called. For example, the key 'player_name' will return the name of the player who the event is called by - if the event is player specific.

def player_spawn(event_var):
..es.tell(event_var['userid'], 'Hello, world')

An Example Addon

As an example of a very basic addon, the following script logs the number of times a player says anything in chat, in a given session, and returns this value to them when they type 'stats'.

import es

stats = {}

def player_connect(event_var):
..stats[event_var['userid']] = 0

def player_say(event_var):
..userid = event_var['userid']
..if event_var['text'] == 'stats':
....es.tell(userid, 'You have sent ' + str(stats[userid]) + ' messages during this session'
..else:
....global stats
....stats[userid] += 1

Docs

Once you've got to grips with the basics described above, the rest is simple to pick up. All of the documentation you could possibly need can be located in the following places:

http://eventscripts.com/

http://python.eventscripts.com/

http://forums.mattie.info/

http://addons.eventscripts.com/

It surprises me that there is not more fraud on the internet. In fact, it's enough to give a renewed faith in the majority people that run their own websites.

I'm a student, and in my spare time I do some web design, and some coding - among other things. I'd consider myself fairly adept at languages like PHP and Python, and during the past few years I've written a few proof-of-concept ideas that require users to create an account, and afterwards log in.

When most people think of internet fraud, they imagine hackers in darkened rooms logging passwords, and using them to steal bank details. Perhaps this does happen, even if t's rarely heard of. What I find surprisingly uncommon, though, is people's passwords being logged simply by the owners of the sites that they visit.

Consider this. If you were to create an account on this site, or for that matter almost any other website, it would be child's play for the webmaster of that site (in the case of BlueSunCorp that would be myself or Richard) to retrieve the password you use, and the email associated with it. Obviously I'm not going to do that, but imagine what I could do with those details:

• Deny you access to your email
• Reset account passwords on practically any other site you've signed up for - given that most sites send a randomly generated password to your email when you ask them to
• Log into Paypal and other online banking systems. Paypal at the very least uses your email address as a login, so if you have one password which fits all, this would be like robbing candy from a baby
• Wreak general havoc in your name

Essentially, I would practically have the power to steal your online identity, and given the scale of some individual's presences across the internet (myself included), the implications for this would be fairly massive, on a personal level.

The solution? At the very least, have a different password for your email account. That's it. Your email account, along with the associated password, is the quickest gateway for accessing most of your online data, and it's a scary thought. So keep it safe from sites you're not totally sure about.

This isn't meant as a scare-story, or a reason to avoid signing up to sites. It's just a warning; if you imagine what your email addresses password can anable people to do, do you really want it in anyone's database?

Street Fighter 3 is a fantastic game. Utterly incredible for a rainy afternoon - and since summer 2007, it's been possible to play on the PC. If you want to try it out, all you need to do is follow these simple instructions.

1. Download CPS3 Emulator

I tried a load of different emulators, including the latest MAME, and I had trouble getting the game to work with any of them. (If any of you have any tips, please post them in the comments!). Anyway, this is the one that I've tried and tested, and it works perfectly:

http://nebula.emulatronia.com/descargas.php

The specific file download you want is the one under the 'CPS3 Emulator' heading; at the time of posting, the specific name and version was:

CPS3 Emulator 1.0a Capcom Play System 3 Emulator

Unzip that to your chosen directory.

2. Create CHD and Roms Directories

In the same directory into which you've unzipped the emulator, you need to create two folders. The first should be entitled 'CHD' and the second 'Roms'. Now you need to create a folder inside 'Roms', entitled 'sfiii3'.

3. Download Street Fighter 3 CHD and Bin files

This is one area where I can't help you too much; but there are two files you need.

1. 33s000.chd

This needs to go in the CHD/ folder.

2. sf33usa.bin

This needs to go in Roms/sfiii3/

4. Finding the above files

This is an area of some difficulty, I'd prefer not to link you to the exact places I found these files, as technically you need to actually own the game to use them. Here is a big hint though:

Do a google search for those file names, there should be Filefront (or other hosting sites) which have them, at the very top of your search page. 33s000.chd is about 64mb, and sf33usa.bin is about 512 kb, but you do need both before the game will run.

5. Running the game

This should be the easiest part. Simply load up emulator.exe, select Emulator > Load Rom, and then choose "Street Fighter III Third Strike: Fight for the Future (CHD).

6. Enjoy!

The emulator works perfectly for me, along with my logitech keyboard and gamepad, so I hope you have as much luck! As I said previously, if anyone has alternate guides for different emulators, please post them here; but avoid directly linking to roms if you can, please.

The album is also available to pre-order in three different editions: the regular 2CD edition, the special edition with a bonus DVD, and the Limited Deluxe Edition which comes in a DVD case with the bonus DVD and a 36 page book of extended artwork (which I bought). The latter two can also come signed if pre-ordered now. Further information can be found here: http://www.ayreon.com/ayreon/preorder.html

Much of the story is still unknown, but the Insideout music website has released this brief synopsis:

"Through technological advancement, 'Forever', a race of aquatic beings living on Planet Y, has found the secret of longevity. They have advanced to the point that they have become completely dependent on machines and are losing their emotions. A passing comet on a collision course with Planet Earth provides the opportunity to revitalize their race; 'Forever' harness the comet to carry their DNA to a new home on Earth. When the comet and Earth collide, the cataclysmic impact exterminates the dinosaurs (the Fifth Extinction), but from the ashes of destruction, humans arise. At first, the experiment with seeded DNA seems successful: through the humans ‘Forever’ vicariously relive the emotions they experienced before the age of machines. In order to help mankind overcome their physical ailments and mental limitations, 'Forever' speeds up human evolution. But the result is tragic: people develop a similar technological dependency with their emotions waning just like 'Forever' and moral development not keeping pace with their capacity to invent. 'Forever' must find a way to save mankind from its imminent self-destruction… or should they?"

It's quite hazy in the detail, but I'm already beginning to see how this is going to tie in to the previous albums. To say I'm excited is an understatement.

Here are a few handy tips and tricks, for those who are fairly new to Python.

while True:

Generally you'll come across many situations which involve variable assignment, followed by a while loop which performs any number of operations on this variable. For example:

You want to generate random numbers between 1 and 10, and stop when this number is odd, printing the number you get.

myvar = random.randint(1, 10)
while not (myvar % 2) == 1:
..myvar = random.randint(1, 10)
print myvar

This isn't very maintainable code - what if you later decided the range should be 1-100? You would have to edit two sections of your code.

Since Python doesn't support variable assignment within conditional statements, which some would argue is the most elegant solution, the most appropriate method to use here is as follows:

while True:
..myvar = random.randint(1, 10)
..if (myvar % 2) == 1: break
print myvar

Conditions

When writing conditions, I often see people trying to write:

if myvar == 0:
..

and

if bool(myvar) == True:
..

This is entirely unnecessary. Python takes most datatypes as either true or false to begin with, so it's actually much simpler - and easier to follow - to just use:

if myvar:
..

What counts as False?

• Integer 0
• Empty Strings
• Empty Lists/Tuples
• None

Single line conditions

When you've only got one line of code to execute after a condition, it's often faster to type it directly after the colon, rather than using a new line and indenting:

if myvar == 5: print 'hello world!'

Obviously, whether you consider this more or less readable is up to you. Hint - this also works perfectly for defining functions.

Ternary Operation

You might be familiar with seeing these written as follows:
condition ? value-if-true : value-if-false

Many people like to use dictionaries or and/or to simulate ternary operators in Python, but neither of these methods is completely safe from error. Far better to use the built in method:

value-if-true if-condition else value if-false

For example:

'Pi equals 3.15' if math.pi == 3.14 else '3.14 ain't approximate enough'

I was hoping to actually type a review of Hitman, but I changed my mind after watching it and instead I've decided to make a list of why the film is so crap:

• This film totally fails to capture the essence of the game. If you want to see a Silent Assasin style Hitman, this is not it. This is the Hitman who runs through the levels just shooting everyone. A classic example is when 47 slips an unknown substance into his quarry's drink. Something lethal? No, it's a laxative so he can go to the bathroom and shoot him and three of his guards in the head.  Sadly, this is also the closest thing to the game you'll get in the film. All his other assasinations are done with gunshots to the head, or a pointless and tacky swordfights. In fact, the very next scene in the film involves 47 gunning down an entire bar full of people. Two guns, point them in opposite directions, spin round and evreyone is dead.
• I knew from the start when it kindly informed us that London is in England that this was not going to be a film for the thinkers among us.
• I do not want to see 47 slagging off some Russian girl. Isn't he supposed to be a stoic and sincere assassin? I could understand if they gave him some emotion, but they're trying to turn him into a bald James Bond.
• The entire film is a 100-minute long cliché. You could basically make this film out of stock footage from all this years other action films.
• Timothy Olyphant is crap, as is Olga Kurylenko, despite having a mild aesthetic appeal. Dougray Scott has the easy job as the antagonist, and is probably the lesser of three evils/ However, he still wasn't any good.
• Humour. They try far too many times to pull off ridiculously awful one-liners and comic dialogues, and they fail miserably. Seriously though, when they bring in transvestites to try and make the film funny, you know it's a crap film.
• Uwe Boll could have done a better job directing the film than Xavier Gens.
• Uwe Boll could have done a better job writing the film than Skip Woods.  They could have just stolen the story from Hitman: Blood Money. That would have been a great film.

 This is just another in a series of terrible video game adaptations. While it's fine to have an emotionless droid as a lead in a game, it doesn't work in a film. You need a protagonist that has character. I found myself rotting for 47 out of compulsion, not because I liked him - which I didn't, all he does is kill people. Even if the write had produced a sublie story, and believe me he has not, this film would have failed on account of the central character. I can criticise Olyphant incessently for one of the most feeble performances of the year, but I have a degree of sympathy for the lad. He's working with a novice director and an incompetent screenwriter, and I have strong doubts about whether any of them have actually played any Hitman games, so Olyphant probably did the best he could in a role he was not meant to play. Vin Diesel would have been a much better choice for an impassive 47.

The film does not have many good things going for it. If you don't care about stories, have never played a Hitman game, like explosions and endless gun fights, then you may enjoy this film. It does have its moments, just not enough of them, in fact take away the gun fights and there really isn't anything going on here.  This film could have been so much more. I'd give it 3/10, 1 for the explosions, 1 for Olga, and 1 for Ave Maria.  This is 47's first outing on the big screen, and dear god I hope it's his last.

As part of their Holiday Threesome offer, Gametap have provided a list of games which you can play for free until the 31st of December, including several Hitman games (to coincide with the release of the frankly dire film version), Tomb Raider Legend, as well as some classics like Metal Slug. However, the best of the list is undoubtedly Psychonauts, the hugely acclaimed, and thoroughly enjoyable platformer from Tim Schafer, best know for designing Grim Fandango. The game even picked up a few game of the year awards when it was released in 2005.

Take a look at the list yourself: http://www.gametap.com/home/play/free.htm You don't even need to register on their site. All you need to play them is the gametap player. There are some great games here, a great way to kill time over the Christmas holidays.