Poe's Law comes to mind. Don't forget to link this one to your favourite creationists.

These are some of the funniest dramatic readings I've stumbled on across the interweb. Some of these made me laugh so hard, I almost choked. Enjoy.

Breakup Letter

I hate you more than anything in this damn world-d-d-d-d-d-d!

Dear Loser,[Chris]~~~~!!!!!!
I thought youy like me you said it yourself I hate you. People only say you asked me out because you needed a date for the dance and that after the dance you would dump me well guess what bastert i dumped you cause you were thinking that i cheated on you i didnt so like idiot that you guys are and so smart that you are you called me a slut.I hung up on you cause you tol me it on the phone because i guess you werent man enough to tell me it in my face!I hate you and also guess what my mother hates you to that she the one who put me to do this ,you come to breakfast every morning and I aint stupid you try to sit next to me and my lol bro who only 7YRS old hates you to and dont even know what you did and is always blocking your chair.haha! I went out with another boy adter you adn after we were over you an idiot dared you even tried to ask me out again i didnt break up with him for you OK! I hate you ive always hated you spreading to everyone that i cheated on you when you got jealouse that i used to talk to your friends to you so jealouse you automatically think i like them well guess maybe i do maybe i dont gotta problem you aint my boyfriend anymore I dont have to tell you who I like or who Iam thinking of going out with its none of your business got that to you loser! I hate you and I know you still like me but i dont like you and i dont care what your stupid friends say you make me touch your hands for stupid reasons u accidentally say you hugged me i will never like you again I HATE YOU I HATE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHIGN IN THIS DAMN WORLDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!! id rather date a spider or rat den u ur soooo ugly and fat !!!!!!!! And then saying that i looooooooved you pleasssse!!!!!!!!!!!! Your such n ass wipe n bastert!! I HATE YOOOOOOOOOOOU

Well bi you piece of shit i have more things to do right now then remember YOU

Half Life: Full Life Consequences

Faster like the speed of sound

John Freeman who was Gordon Freemans brother was one day in an office typing on a computer. He got an email from his brother that said that aliens and monsters were attacking his place and aksed him for help so he went.
John Freeman got his computer shut down and wet on the platform to go up to the roof of the building where he left his motorcycle and normal people close because he was in his office lab coat. John Freeman got on his motorcycl and said "its time for me to live up to my family name and face full life consequences" so he had to go.
John Freeman ramped off the building and did a backflip and landed. He kept driving down the road and made sure there was no zombies around because he ddint have weapon.
The contrysides were nice and the plants were singing and the birds and the sun was almost down from the top of the sky. the mood was set for John Freemans quest to help his brother where he was. John Freeman looked around the countrysides and said "its a good day to do what has to be done by me and help my brother to defeat the enemys".
John Freeman was late so he had to drive really fast. A cop car was hiden near by so when John Freeman went by the cops came and wanted to give him a ticket. Here John Freeman saw the first monster because the cop was posessed and had headcrabs.
"I cant give you my lisense officer" John Freeman said
"Why not?" said the headcrab oficer back to John Freeman.
"Because you are headcrab zombie" so John Freeman shot the oficer in the head and drove off thinking "my brother is in trouble there" and went faster.
John Freeman had to go faster like the speed of sound and got there fast because Gordon needed him where he was. John Freeman looked at road signs and saw "Ravenholm" with someons writing under it saying "u shudnt come here" so John Freeman almost turned around but heard screaming like Gordon so he went faster again.
John Freeman drove in and did another flip n jumped off his motorbike and the motor bike took out some headcrab zombies infront of John Freeman. John Freeman smiled and walked fast. John Freeman then looked on the ground and found wepon so he pickd it up and fired fast at zombie goasts in front of a house.
John Freeman said "Zombie goasts leave this place" and the zombie goasts said "but this is our house" and John Freeman felt sorry for them becaus they couldnt live there anymore because they were zombie goasts so he blew up the house and killed the zombie goasts so they were at piece.
Then John Freeman herd another scream from his brother so he kept walking really faster to get where he was. Ravenholdm was nothing like the countrysides there was no birds singing and the pants were dead and teh dirt was messy and bloody from headcrabs.
When John Freeman got to where the screaming was started from he found his brother Gorden Freeman fightin the final bosss and Gordon said "John Freeman! Over here!" so John Freeman went there to where Gordon Freeman was fighting. John Freeman fired his bullet from teh gun really fast and the bullets went and shot the final boss in the eyes and the final boss couldnt see.
Gordon Freeman said "its time to end this ones and for all!" and punched the final boss in the face and the final boss fell. John Freeman said "thanks i could help, bro" and Gordon Freeman said "you should come here earlier next time" and they laughed.
The laughed overed quickly though because John Freeman yelled "LOOK OUT BRO!" and pointed up to the top of the sky. Gordon Freeman looked up and said "NOO! John Freeman run out of here fast as you can!" and John Freeman walked real fast out.
John Freeman loked back and saw Gordon get steppd on by the next boss and he was mad and angry.
"I'll get you back evil boss!" John Freeman yelled at the top of lungs.
to be continued..?

Miss Teen USA

uh, the Iraq and everywhere like such as

content.ytmnd.com/content/…a98f0421b93e.mp3

I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as in, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq and everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children.

The Bauman E-mails

You have now officially crossed the line

content.ytmnd.com/content/…099edaf46747.mp3

To Whom It May Concern:

Please be advised that several of your forum soldiers have decided to personally visit our corporate offices. The pictures they took while trespassing on our property were proudly posted on your site. In addition some of the postings on your forum literally threatened murdering Eric Bauman. You have now officially crossed the line. You can consider this formal notification that we have initiated a criminal complaint with several agencies including the FBI Cyber Terrorism Unit. I realize that most of your entire website is comprised of pathetic, pimply-faced maladjusted pre-teens whose parents don't love them, and their best Saturday night date takes AA batteries. Be that as it may, you have now become a criminal threat. There a lot of people now monitoring your site. I strongly suggest that there are no more unauthorized "visits" to our office. There will be severe penalties for failure to heed this warning. The forum banter on your site means nothing to us or anyone in the world for that matter, but your threats of bodily harm and property damage cannot be ignored. I was afraid that the FBI and police departments would not be responsive. I was pleasantly surprised to find the contrary.

Interestingly, no individual or corporate entity has approached us with any question or problem regarding the content in question. This is true lunacy! There is this big dispute over a piece of content that we received a signed release for. Do you have any idea how foolish and immature you look through this? Of course I am referring to the real three dimensional world where real people live and work. You and your forum obviously live in very dark places where they don't teach spelling, grammar, logic, reasoning…etc. Well, that being said, we don't care how you advertise your stupidity, but eBaum's World Inc lives in the real world, and we are very tolerant and sensitive to the underprivileged and the mentally challenged. We will however use any and all legal remedies to ensure our safety. The police and FBI are taking this very seriously. I will leave you with this challenge, if any member of your forum or anyone any where wants to challenge our policy, simply come out from under your rock and call me on the phone, or schedule an appointment. I would be happy to discuss any problem with any credible individual. Of course I am assuming that these "kids" are capable of meaningful dialogue. We have received hundreds of calls, but alas, zero meaningful dialogue, only weak pranks. Judging from the posts I have read from your site I am confident that no one possesses the aforementioned skills necessary to pull that off. The first guy you sent in here probably soiled his pants when he couldn't answer the simplest question and literally ran out the door…LOL. I don't think he is a candidate for Mission Impossible. The police have already contacted him and our lawyers will have fun with Ben and his parents. The invitation stands. BTW, the FBI told me that the operators and facilitators of your site are more liable than they think; they also assured me that nobody from your site would come out from under their rock to talk. They likened your forum to terrorists who always stay under ground. Is that the way you envisioned your forum at its inception? How pathetic. I look forward to your reply.

Neil J. Bauman

—

Dear Max,

My assistant informed me that you called our corporate office to verify the correspondence titled Cease and Desist was in fact sent by me.it was. I would like to have any kind of meaningful communication with you or anyone representing your site. As stated in my earlier note, we have never been formally contacted by anyone regarding the questioned content. I am easily accessible during normal business hours. Feel free to contact me if you are capable of exhibiting a nominal use of some professionalism. I have had a great deal of contact from several of your loyal followers. That contact was far from meaningful or professional. In a short time you will be held accountable for the deeds and threats that were aimed at our site and our people. Obviously you have lost possession of your Yiddish cup. We are not about to be physically threatened by you or anyone else. If you thought this was a joke, you are very misguided. I am not one to be trifled with. How dare you and your brethren make death threats against our personnel? There is no veiled threat here, just your wake up call. You had the ability to stop this early in the game and choose not to. That strategy will prove to be a serious mistake in judgment on your part. Soon you will be contacted by Federal Investigators. Have a great day.

I know plenty of sane and reasonable Christians. Heck, I'd like to hope that the majority of them are. But GodTube.com shows a more tarnished picture: created just last year, as a rival to YouTube, to anyone with half an ounce of common sense it's clear that most of its occupants are trying to make themself look … stupid, to put it plainly. There isn't any other reasonable explanation.

I hate to pick on such an easy target, but here are some of the things you're likely to see on GodTube.

Little girl recites Bible verses

At the time of writing, there are no less than three similarly named videos on the front page of the site: all depict girls under the age of ten showing their devotion to Christianity. Innocent enough, maybe, but why is this such a popular choice of video? I can only conjecture:

• Children are easy targets; if you can't convert someone your own age, convert someone that doesn't know much better. Then post it on the internet, as if it were an achievement.
• 'Cute'. If your definition of the word is to see suggestable individuals being robbed of a chance to make their own decision.
• A subtle message that people of faith, like children, are too naïve to know better?

Christian/Christ-follower

This one is apparently a parody of the Mac vs. PC adverts - and while I'll spare mentioning that it's been done, it seems to miss the entire premise of the idea. They both spout some pseudo-techy junk, the first guy dominating the conversation, the second guy bizarrely agreeeing with everything he has to say, pretty much. They seem to have missed the fact that the second guy is supposed to be ridiculed, unless I'm missing something.

They make one joke. "I'm sorry, I don't speak christianese". Slow clap.

Aside from not really understanding the original advert, why exactly do they make any distinction between a Christian and a Christ Follower? Hell, what is this video even about?

A letter from Hell

This one is actually quite disturbing. I don't mean the fact that I'm going to hell. Or the unexplained method Josh used to get his letter smuggled from the underworld. It's a scary thought that children are going to be shown that video, and actually be taken in by it; the scare tactics they use are, to be frank, disgusting. One commenter describes showing the video to his 13, 9 and 4 year old children. That's not just a warning message - that's child abuse.

Comments

No wonder Jesus wants us to be like little children…they have such a sincere and innocent faith. What a blessing to know that no matter what, she belongs to Jesus. Could a parent ask for anything more?

Sincere? Children believe what they are told to believe, it's arguably a necessary stage in life, but it's not one we should strive for after a very young age. I hope my children question everything I tell them- I couldn't hope for any more than that.

People say that God is a forgiving God, Yes He is but He is also a consuming fire. People need to be scared, they need Jesus.

Need to be scared? Come again?

yo, wat is wrong with you man. hell is the worst place in the universe! God is the infinite superior being over us. wat we know heaven to be is going to be great in God's eyes which means it will be even greater than we can imagine in our eyes.

Ah heck, I'm convinced.

Who Ya Worshippin'?

I'm sorry to lower the tone. But god damn, hah hah. That made me laugh. Religious nuts.

Any more weirdness and wonder from GodTube? Post it in the comments.

My cat is sitting on the chair next to me, watching me type away.

I live in a family of four, we have one cat and one dog. The reason eludes me, but the cat, Sappho, has always been very close to me, while the dog has been distant. When people talk about dogs being a man's best friend, it always confuses me: my dog shows little regard for humans, with his tendency to deposite enough hair in a week to render most of the carpets invisible, his constant desire for food - more often than not my food - and his unescapable need to empty his bowels every day, which one of us or all of us must bear witness to on his daily walks. When he begs for food, half of the time he decides it smelled nicer than it tastes, and he coughs it up onto the floor. When he wants to leave a room, he doesn't even attempt to open the door when it is already slightly ajar. And when we are in close proximity, I normally end up with a sticky coating of saliva on my trousers.

Having a dog - or more specifically, having my dog - meets none of the prerequisites of a friendship.

Sappho, on the other hand, is the most dedicated friend I could hope for. She keeps me company when I'm alone, the end of my bed has become some kind of permanent home for her, and she doesn't smell of dog food (or cat food). Sappho can take care of herself; she regularly catches mice, she defends her territory; she keeps the dog away from all of the black clothing in my room, to which his shiny grey hair seems most attracted. Watching cats wash themselves is supposed to calm a person down; and judging by my cat's level of hygiene, I have her to thank for delaying any impending heart attack from fatty foods and stress.

Sometimes I think when she miaows I can almost understand what she is trying to say, be it food, space or attention; the dog, on the other hand, I can understand perfectly. He doesn't bark, he only sighs, obviously depressed with his relatively low position in the figurative food chain.

There are a number of people to blame for this:

• The spambot coders. Really, there has to be a better way to make a living. What if you had a 'quality content' bot instead?

• The idiots that click on the links. You're not going to see Britney Speeaarz Expozed, so why bother!?

• Those damned celebrities.

I always figure targetting a problem at its source is the best way of solving it, so listen up. If you're a celebrity, and you're reading this, please start wearing a woolly jumper, and some kind of reflective anti camera-flash coating. Stay indoors - in fact, stay indoors in general, you have no purpose to begin with without junking up forums on the side. Change your name. Stop being vaguely attractive. And God damn it, stop exposing yourselves in public.

I must say, I'm quite liking Sun Microsystems' new strategy. Here are some more suggestions for them:

• Use Java, and get a free copy of Firefox now!
• Visit the Java homepage, and we'll tap fresh water to your house!
• Subscribe to BlueSunCorp now and enjoy a limitless supply of breathable air on our behalf!

> High Res Card

As part of the promotion for season 2 of Sam and Max, Telltale Games have decided to release episode 4 of season 1, Abe Lincoln Must Die, as a free download:

http://www.fileplanet.com/182132/180000/fileinfo/Sam-&-Max:-Abe-Lincoln-Must-Die!

If you've never played any Sam and Max before, this is a great place to start. Its a fun little adventure game, with some comedy thrown in. Although this is my favourite episode of season 1, the rest are great too, and are available through Steam if you want to download them.

Sadly series 1 is only available on PC, however plans have recently been announced to release season 1 on Xbox 360 and Nintendo Wii.

Quality, quality stuff.

My boss, Brad, bought his daughter a plastic railway set for Christmas. He brought the box in for us to look at; it provided amusement for the entire lunch.

continued…

- Mark Rosenfelder